One of those days

Have you ever had one of those days when you wake up at 6am after falling asleep at 1am, attempt to leave for work but find you have a flat tire, then try to write a coherent paper about exporting clothing to Venezuela that is due in 4 hours, get a blister on your foot walking to class, get lost in downtown Atlanta while trying to find a shortcut back to your car thus causing 5 additional blisters and a cut, and actual cut, on your foot caused by your shoes, and end up being verbally assaulted by a crazy driver in a parking deck because she (incorrectly) claimed you cut her off*?

Man, I hate those days.

*The parking deck story cracks me up. Upon leaving the deck, I noticed several cars in the 'monthly pass' line, and since I am not a monthly pass holder, I chose the left exit lane. I got up further up and saw that a car was trying to get over from the monthly lane (which was closed)to my lane and was attempting to wedge her way in front of me. I could not see what was going on in her car because of her window tint, but it got the security guard's attention. He came over and she rolled the window down, and started mouthing off about how I thought I could come out of nowhere and cut in front of her while she had been waiting to exit. The security guard calmly replied, "Ma'am, YOU got into the wrong lane. You didn't pay attention. She's in the right lane." The woman babbled something incoherent before flooring it to take advantage of the gap that opened up in front of me. The security guard just laughed and shook his head.

On Etiquette

Putting all hobotry aside, let's talk about something that irritates the fuck out of me. Etiquette might be the one iota of Southernness I have retained while living in this great snicker state. When I graduated from high school, every present I received was reciprocated with a handwritten thank you card. When I graduated from college, every present I received was reciprocated with a handwritten thank you card. Every birthday party thrown in my honor from birth had invitations mailed out. Engagement parties, graduation parties, baby showers all had paper invitations. And I saved almost every single one (I get that from my mother. It's awful, I know).

Evite, and more recently Facebook, are killing etiquette. Sure, I have used Evite for years when throwing parties, but they've all been informal gatherings, nights out on the town, etc. This past year, I've received numerous Evites to baby showers, wedding showers and engagement parties...and I'm baffled.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am baffled. I write a blog about being two steps away from homelessness, and yet, this baffles me.

I shouldn't even care about this issue and yet I do. These are not events that happen that often in a person's life (well, for the normal person) and to me they are extremely special. Of course, I'm not one to talk since I have an extreme dislike of weddings and engagements. I have no beef with marriage, just the whole rigmarole about weddings. If I had $25,000 to spend on one day, it would not be to throw a party for 200+ people I hardly know. Let me elope and then we'll go boozing.

But back to etiquette. Where was I? Oh right, Evite. Evite is a very informal tool. If you're throwing the party yourself and want to save money, I see no problem. However, if someone is throwing a party in your honor, wouldn't you want to know that your host spent a little more than 5 minutes copying and pasting email addresses? I would. Emily Post would too. And she's been dead for more than 50 years. In fact, if she found out people were sending emails instead of invitations, I bet she'd come back to life, die all over again, and then roll over in her grave.

But that is just my opinion. I'd really like to hear yours.........actually, I wouldn't. I really didn't write this for your benefit; I just wanted to get it off my chest and thought blogging would be more productive than talking to myself.

Hobotry returns tomorrow.

Show Some Respect

I throw the term hobo around a lot to describe any homeless person, vagrant, crackhead, etc. I feel it gives them a glamorous quality because hobos, the real rail-riding ones from the past, fascinate me. They had their own language and codes, a code of ethics, and even an annual convention!

The hobo code of ethics was actually created in 1889 and most of the rules are still useful today, for hobos and non-hobos alike. I personally like #1 the best.

1. Decide your own life, don't let another person run or rule you.
2. When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times.
3. Don't take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos.
4. Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but ensure employment should you return to that town again.
5. When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts.
6. Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals' treatment of other hobos.
7. When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you.
8. Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling.
9. If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help.
10. Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible.
11. When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member.
12. Do not cause problems in a train yard, another hobo will be coming along who will need passage through that yard.
13. Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose all molesters to authorities, they are the worst garbage to infest any society.
14. Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home.
15. Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday.
16. If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it. Whether for or against the accused, your voice counts!

Roommates

Roommates are a great way to reduce your financial burden, and I've had my share of good roommates, and my share of not-so-good roommates. But none have been so stupidly retarded, for lack of a better word, than my current one. Whom, I may mention, is very close to becoming your common street bum himself, with the mutterings and total anti-social behavior.

What makes a roommate so terrible, you ask? Let's start with the small things.

1. Playing Beach Boys at 3AM for all the house to hear. On a weeknight.
   
2. Cooking dumplings for dinner FIVE nights in a row. Preparing for bumhood? Seriously, the smell was unbearable by night 3.
   
3. Not cleaning your dishes. Of course, the backwater town you're from probably didn't have running water.
   
4. Putting dishes in the dishwasher without rinsing them. I'm not sure which is worse, leaving them in the sink, or leaving dried-on food. Wanna know why our dishes feel gritty?
5. Watching TV with the volume set to 40. Normally, the TV is set to 20-25. If you're that deaf, get some of those headphones they advertise on TV. You know the ones I'm talking about.
   

And then we get into the stranger and more annoying behavior.

1. Coming out of your room just to annoy the dogs. This happens almost daily. It goes something like this: roommate exits bedroom. finds dogs. tortures dogs. goes back into room. closes door.
   
2. Filling the dishwasher with liquid soap. We had an awesome jasmine-scented foam party that night.
   
3. Leaving your clothes in the washer and then leaving town.
4. Not cleaning. Ever.
   
5. NOT FLUSHING THE TOILET. If you can't flush the toilet when you piss, then piss outside.
   
6. Leaving goatee trimmings on the sink.
   
7. Leaving pube trimmings on the toilet seat.

I don't throw the word 'hate' around a lot, but lets just say that if I found him dead on the toilet, I'd leave his body there a few hours before notifying the authorities.

Sure, it could be worse. I could be sharing a cardboard box with this guy.

We Aren't That Fashionable

Hobo Dating Disaster

When you're a hobo, you need to be resourceful, and that is why I joined an online dating site. Sure, it costs a few bucks to join, but the return on investment pays for the cost right away. A few suitors a week (do you have anything better to do?) taking you to nice restaurants (order extra so you can have a meal the next day), and hopefully you'll find a nice sugar daddy to wash away your money woes.

Today, I opened up my good ol' Match.com inbox and found the following waiting for me. It's something alright.
(All grammar, spelling and punctuation left intact. Bold comments made by me)

Dear Blondie
Hi , I did find your profile from Internet, and then after reading it , I decided to write you, My name is: larry , I am working as Manager/owner of a service company , in Sugarland Texas ,I have large luxury Townhouse , in a good ,and safe area of west Houston Texas , it is overlooking , a ravin , and also is closed to a very large shopping mall , I am 5'11" with my shoes , and weight 185 lbs with my shoes ,and clothes on , I am caucasian , light skin, dark hairs , do not drink or smoke , no drugs ,or tatoos (dang), I am always respectful toward others , especially , toward my subordinates ,and females (um, what?) , i am member of local Baptist church , I usually do not get mad easily , and easy to get along with , who likes to pet angry Rothwilder (Isn't that the QB for the Steelers?) ?, and most of times I am a good natured person , I do beleive that I am one of the nicest guys that God has ever made , , , I usually hold no grudge against anyone , have no criminal conviction , I go in, and out easy (So, you have a small penis then, right?), I am in good health , exercise regularly , I have pet rabbit , with white pelt (uh, you only use the word pelt when describing fur that has already been removed from the animal's body, just saying), my Hobbies are reading , Tv (national geography ,and discovery ,and History channels are my favorates), Jogging , listening to Rush Limbaugh , and Michael Savage ( a Right Winger .ultra conservitive) (You can't even spell conservative correctly!) , eating out , do it your self projects , traveling , ,my office no. is — right, like I'm gonna put his number — XXX-XXX-XXXX .or XXX-XXX-XXXX , , , call or e mail me with your ph. no., my e mail is : XXXXX@talkmatch.com I am single and looking,for a personal Assitance (this correlates to the subordinate comment from before) , I have no children,but do love children , a child is a man,s imprint on the universe and make him to be extended beyond the grave,, I do want , and wish to meet you ,if you want to visit me and ,my place ,and Houston I can arrange your visit , and , during your visit i plan to take you and show you around the Houston , this would be a discovery visit for you (As in, his penis will discover my body consensual or non consensual) , no disrespectful intentions intended ,i am always respectful toward others , to see if you like to live here or not, , , , , , also there are lots of schools , tech school , universities in this area that , if you wish, you may continue your schooling, or if you wish to get job locally , unemployment rate in this Area is low , one of the lowest one in USA , ,i will help you on that too , ( photo avilable be glad to send ,just give me an E mail),
Submitted Respectfully larry XXX-XXX-XXXX

As an added bonus, here are some excerpts from his profile!

my ethnicity: white , pure blood (is his last name Malfoy?)

I am easy to get along with , in my job i work with many people from diferent races , and different ages , and i am able to get along with all of them , i am always respectful toward others.......... (right, and i bet some of your best friends are black!)

Um. Wow. It sounds like this guy is looking for a servant. I'm all for a little S&M but this takes the cake. I just keep getting this image of being chained up in his basement. Creepy.

How to Make a Fashionable Hobo Bindle*

Step one: Grab a stick. Any sturdy stick will do. If you want something a bit fancier, steal some bamboo from a neighbor's yard. They won't miss it, trust me.

Step two: Acquire an oversize scarf. Pucci is preferable, but any quality silk scarf will work. If you can't afford a scarf, borrow one from a local boutique. People do it all the time.

Step three: Lay the scarf on the floor.

Step four: Put your belongs on the scarf. Only put things you need at all times in the bindle. Cell phone, mascara, condoms. The usual. Did I mention that this is a hobo bindle for total whores**? No? Slipped my mind.

Step five: Lay the stick ever so gently on top of your belongs. God forbid you tear the condom.

Step six: Take two opposing corner of the bindle and tie them into a knot encompassing the stick. I like the word encompassing, don't you?

Step seven: Repeat with the other corners.

Step eight: Pick up bindle and pray to God/Buddha/Steve the Bum that it doesn't fall apart.

Quiz time: Did it fall apart? Yes or No.

If yes, repeat steps 3-8.

If no, continue to step nine.

Step nine: Impress your friends. Granted, the only friends you have now are crackheads and winos. But, at least they are easy to impress.




*Not the coke kind. The hobo kind.

**Look, you're a hobo now. Your entertainment budget is nil. Sex is a very cheap form of entertainment. And hey, if you're really good at it, you can make money! (More on that later)