Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hobo Dating Disaster

When you're a hobo, you need to be resourceful, and that is why I joined an online dating site. Sure, it costs a few bucks to join, but the return on investment pays for the cost right away. A few suitors a week (do you have anything better to do?) taking you to nice restaurants (order extra so you can have a meal the next day), and hopefully you'll find a nice sugar daddy to wash away your money woes.

Today, I opened up my good ol' Match.com inbox and found the following waiting for me. It's something alright.
(All grammar, spelling and punctuation left intact. Bold comments made by me)

Dear Blondie
Hi , I did find your profile from Internet, and then after reading it , I decided to write you, My name is: larry , I am working as Manager/owner of a service company , in Sugarland Texas ,I have large luxury Townhouse , in a good ,and safe area of west Houston Texas , it is overlooking , a ravin , and also is closed to a very large shopping mall , I am 5'11" with my shoes , and weight 185 lbs with my shoes ,and clothes on , I am caucasian , light skin, dark hairs , do not drink or smoke , no drugs ,or tatoos
(dang), I am always respectful toward others , especially , toward my subordinates ,and females (um, what?) , i am member of local Baptist church , I usually do not get mad easily , and easy to get along with , who likes to pet angry Rothwilder (Isn't that the QB for the Steelers?) ?, and most of times I am a good natured person , I do beleive that I am one of the nicest guys that God has ever made , , , I usually hold no grudge against anyone , have no criminal conviction , I go in, and out easy (So, you have a small penis then, right?), I am in good health , exercise regularly , I have pet rabbit , with white pelt (uh, you only use the word pelt when describing fur that has already been removed from the animal's body, just saying), my Hobbies are reading , Tv (national geography ,and discovery ,and History channels are my favorates), Jogging , listening to Rush Limbaugh , and Michael Savage ( a Right Winger .ultra conservitive) (You can't even spell conservative correctly!) , eating out , do it your self projects , traveling , ,my office no. is — right, like I'm gonna put his number — XXX-XXX-XXXX .or XXX-XXX-XXXX , , , call or e mail me with your ph. no., my e mail is : XXXXX@talkmatch.com I am single and looking,for a personal Assitance (this correlates to the subordinate comment from before) , I have no children,but do love children , a child is a man,s imprint on the universe and make him to be extended beyond the grave,, I do want , and wish to meet you ,if you want to visit me and ,my place ,and Houston I can arrange your visit , and , during your visit i plan to take you and show you around the Houston , this would be a discovery visit for you (As in, his penis will discover my body consensual or non consensual) , no disrespectful intentions intended ,i am always respectful toward others , to see if you like to live here or not, , , , , , also there are lots of schools , tech school , universities in this area that , if you wish, you may continue your schooling, or if you wish to get job locally , unemployment rate in this Area is low , one of the lowest one in USA , ,i will help you on that too , ( photo avilable be glad to send ,just give me an E mail),
Submitted Respectfully larry XXX-XXX-XXXX

As an added bonus, here are some excerpts from his profile!
my ethnicity: white , pure blood (is his last name Malfoy?)

I am easy to get along with , in my job i work with many people from diferent races , and different ages , and i am able to get along with all of them , i am always respectful toward others.......... (right, and i bet some of your best friends are black!)

Um. Wow. It sounds like this guy is looking for a servant. I'm all for a little S&M but this takes the cake. I just keep getting this image of being chained up in his basement. Creepy.

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